Less of me, More of You

Let me say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for songwriters, especially those that pen incredible worship music. As you may have noticed, music is a medium that speaks to me in a way that NOTHING else does. Songs seem to carry me between the days, and seasons, of my life. As I walked last night, iPod in hand (and in ears!), another song pulled me in. Another song that I had heard many times again (and skipped over once or twice . . .).

It seems like life is coming full circle in a more rapid fashion these days. Actually I think it's more a spiral than a circle, as the journey doesn't seem to come back to the place it started, but I can see the place where I started, or stops along the way, as I pass through on another course.

Allow me to explain myself further.

Here are the lyrics to the song that hit me last night:

Holy fire, burn away my desire for anything
That is not of You and is of me
I want more of you and less of me.

Empty me,
Empty me,
Fill, won't You fill me,
with You, with You.

Well won't you empty me, well won't you empty me.
I want more, I want more, I want more of you, Jesus. (Empty Me, Jeremy Camp)

If you, by chance, have read either of my last two posts, you may see the irony, well I don't know if it's irony . . . or coincidence . . . but I do know the Spirit certainly has something to do with it!

You see, I had spent a good lot of time in the last while feeling empty, dry and in need. My dear friend Em, wrote today about Pit Stops, and I believe I was most definitely in one! I spent quite some time dwelling there, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and then not really having the energy and/or desire to get out. Then about a week ago, I came to be reminded again, that my God is enough for me. That I don't need anything this world has to offer -no matter how noble or pure my desire may seem - my God is enough.

Then as I walked the streets of my little town of Beamsville last night, my prayer as I heard the words to the song was that God would empty me - that He would come into my heart and "clean house". My prayer is that His holy fire would burn away those desires that are "of me" and would replace them with those desires that are "of Him."

Then the more I thought about it, I began to sing those songs that have really touched my heart lately - each speaks to coming closer to the heart of God. To see as God sees, to love as God loves.

Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing . . .
Everyone needs forgiveness, the kindness of Saviour . . . (Mighty to Save, Ben Fielding & Reuben Morgan)

Heal my heart and make it clean

Open my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours

Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause . . . (Hosanna, Brooke Fraser)

Oh for all the sons and daughters who are walking in the darkness
You are calling us to lead them back to You . . . (Tear Down the Walls, Joel Houston & Matt Crocker)

Open up our eyes, so blind, that we might find

The mercy for the need . . .

Fill out hearts with your compassion . . .

We will be your hands, we will be your feet

We will run this race for the least of these

In the darkest place, we will be your light . . . (Solution, Joel Houston & Matt Crocker)

So where's the irony, the coincidence, the Spirit? Well, a month or so ago, I was empty but I had not emptied myself of my desires, I had just allowed myself to dry up in a way, I guess. And now, I was wanting to be emptied again? Huh? So where does that take me now? I want to be purposefully emptied. I want to be emptied of my desires and I want to be filled by Christ alone. Maybe that's better stated as filled of Christ alone.

I truly desire to have a heart that beats like the Saviour's. And the only way I'll get there is to continue to allow Him to empty me, to surrender my will and in exchange, to become a part of what God's will is for my life, and even bigger than that, His will for my church, for my community and for this world. I want to trade in what I want and become a part of what God is already doing here and now.

I know as I pray for these things that I need to be prepared for God to answer in a big way. And so, I prepare my heart for the Holy Fire as He burns away those desires that are of me, and refines me further.

This is my prayer in the fire,
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me, Lord, through the flame (Desert Song, Brooke Fraser)

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed.

(1 Peter 1:6-7)

My God's Enough

Well, I'm ready to talk . . . taking the lead from my best friend, I confess that the last month or two has been pretty blah, meh and any other monosyllabic grunt/groan/whine you can think of. You see, I had started to feel quite sorry for myself. Daily enjoying a self-pity party, well not so much enjoying as enduring, but there I was. There was no one thing that had sent me invitation to this party, I was just there. To be honest, it felt more like a deep hole, then a party. And even more honestly, I didn't really feel like getting out. I didn't have the strength, I didn't have the motivation and all I thought was, what's the use, I'll just be down here again sometime in the future, so why don't I just save the effort and hang here for awhile.

Let me take a break and let you know that it's not easy writing these things. I feel quite vulnerable sharing these things because during this time I still kept on with my usual activities. I lead worship, spent time in Bible study with friends and prayed (though this mirrored more of a Romans 8:26 version). Please hear me when I say that my worship was still sincere, I still loved my God and I knew that He loved me - I was just having a much harder time when I had to spend time just He and I, as I was feeling let down, burdened and sometimes, alone. I didn't know how to talk to God cause I felt like He really hadn't been listening, or like my prayers weren't what He wanted to hear.

Back to the journey . . .
I had tried to share a few times where I was and what I was feeling with my mom, another one of my best friends and my sister, but I really just couldn't put into words where I was and what I was even feeling. As I write this, I realize it that in some ways it was because I didn't know where I was and I wasn't actually feeling at all, I had become numb in so many ways. Slowly but surely, my heart started to soften. God had brought some new people into my life who I couldn't help but love and in whom I could see the Spirit of God dwelling. I wanted my fire back again, I desparately needed my fire back - but I didn't know how to begin the climb out.

Enter Be, a woman who I love dearly, who I admire so much and who knows my heart inside out. She had written a blog that I completely identified with and then a few days later, she came to visit me. We decided to go for a walk, and after lots of chit chat and solving all the other problems of the world, we got real with each other. I explained to her where I had been and where I needed to go now. I cried, and I hadn't cried in a couple of months (which is a big deal in and of itself!) and so I had A LOT of tears. We made our way back to my home and then started to get ready to go to worship with Hillsong United at the Molson Amphitheatre (I know, weird eh!). Little did I know, those tears had just been the beginning, God had been preparing a pathway to this day and He was going to be there to meet me in a big way.

The worship with Hillsong United was incredible - their music and their lyrics just touch my heart in a way that not many other things do. The repetitive choruses of surrender and crying out to God was exactly what I needed. I needed to reach my hands to heaven and hand my junk over to God. I needed to sing at the top of my lungs to express my deep love for him and I needed to hear that my God heard me, that He knew my needs and that He would take care of me.

Enter, some guy. Well not really some guy, but the youth pastor from Hillsong. He got up to speak about half way through the songs and he shared something that brought new hope, or at least renewed hope.

He told a story of his new 10 week old baby girl, who, one day while her mother was out, started crying inconsolably. As a good new father would, he took his baby girl in his arms and rocked her, swaddled her, patted her little bottom, gave her a pacifier - all the while knowing that this wasn't what she needed, but what she needed he couldn't give her right now. Her mother would soon be home and she would have what she needed but for time being, all he could do was soothe her, rocking her in his arms, telling her that he knew what she needed and that it was on the way. What a beautiful picture of our heavenly Father that was painted for me that night. To be in the arms of the Father, being rocked and sweetly spoken to, knowing that He knows what I need, and better still, that it's on the way.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as he shared this story and I caught a glimpse of Becky out of the corner of my eye and she just smiled - we both knew that God was meeting us in that moment.

Fast forward to today, as I've been making my way out of the hole, leaving the self-pity party and opening up my heart again, God has revealed so much more.

Today, I went for my usual Sunday morning walk where I listen to praise and worship music and just enjoy the outdoors and my quiet time with God. On the playlist today was BarlowGirl. Now, I am a huge fan of this group and their lyrics but I typically end up skipping around to my favourite songs but today, I just let it play . . .

My God's enough for me
This world has nothing I need
In this whole life I've seen
My God's enough, enough for me

******************************************

All of you is more than enough for
All of me for every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love and all I have in You
Is more than enough

It's not enough for me to know that I have a God who loves me and who knows what I need and that He has a plan for that, I needed to know that my God IS enough. That yes, God recognizes my desires and those things that I long for, but what He wants me to recognize is that I have Him, and that that is ALL. I. NEED.

So tonight, at worship at BCC, as I sang a song that I love so much, it was a cry out to my God, a prayer that my heart can know and be satisfied in who God is and what it means for Christ to live in me.

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring him praise

All my delight is in You, Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in You, Lord
Forevermore

As I write this, I see the full circle that God has made complete over the last 6 months. A friend and I pondered these verses many months ago and now they have new meaning . . .

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes."
Psalm 37:3-7

My God's enough, He's more than enough for me.

My Bucket List

Well, since all my friends are doing it . . .

Here are the first 25 I can think of, in no particular order (I included a few things I've already done that were things I always wanted to do!) . . .

1. Stop biting my nails (Thanks Lucy!)

2. Own a dog

3. Travel to New York City (Check!)

4. See a Broadway show (Check X 2!)

5. Take a trip to Italy

6. Learn how to drive standard (DONE and DONE!) (Me too, Lucy!)

7. Plant a garden

8. Run a 5 k

9. Be a wife

10. Be a mom

11. Read the whole Bible - and remember what I've read

12. Get a tattoo

13. Go on a "girls vacation" at least once every 5 years

14. Read The Lord of the Rings trilogy

15. Complete a Masters degree

16. Own a home

17. Write a worship song. (in process . . .)

18. Learn to play guitar

19. Visit Hillsong church in Australia

20. Learn another language

21. Try downhill skiing . . . again

22. Learn to sing harmony

23. Go more green and buy more organic and local foods

24. Read Harry Potter series.

25. Volunteer with local organizations (Done - Big Sisters!)


I'll keep adding to this as I think of more . . .

Take My Life, Here Am I

Over the last 6 months I have had the privilege of leading worship at BCC about once a month. Even a year ago, I don't think I would have believed anyone if they would have told me this would be something I would be doing. It was such a confidence booster to have Hunter ask me to do this to relieve him once a month. I have always been fairly self-conscious about my singing ability and I consider it a HUGE responsibility to lead people before the throne of God, but I am beginning to see how God was preparing me for this over the last few years, and over my lifetime - which I will talk about in a future blog . . .

This past weekend, RW was presenting a lesson on obedience and so we chatted a bit beforehand about songs that would work well with the theme. The Spirit was obviously working as she and I discussed songs that we had both come up with separately - which included a few older hymns and some more contemporary songs as well. One song that we both had thought of was "Take My Life, and Let it Be" by Frances R. Havergal. I had actually been dying for a chance to sing this song since I had heard Chris Tomlin's arrangment on The Best of Passion. I am absolutely amazed by the way he can add a simple new chorus to an older hymn and make it fresh and new.

I then spent the next two weeks listening to the song over and over (and over and over and over) again. I am ashamed to admit that it actually wasn't until the day of the worship service that I actually *got* it.

Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.

Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee;
Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.

Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee;
Take my silver and my gold,
Not a mite would I withhold.

Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in endless praise;
Take my intellect and use
Every pow’r as Thou shalt choose.

Take my will and make it Thine,
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart, it is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne.

Take my love, my Lord, I pour
At Thy feet its treasure store;
Take myself and I will
be Ever, only, all for Thee.

What an incredible song of surrender with such powerful words. As soon as my heart opened to these words, I must admit, it scared me. I couldn't just sing these words . . . they couldn't be just another melody that escaped from my lips without first cutting to my heart.

What would it mean if I sang these words and meant them? What would it look like if I gave God my feet? Could I go to the places that Jesus went to? What if he took my hands? What work would I find to do just to please him? What about my lips and my voice? What kind of words would I use or perhaps more importantly, what words would I stop using? Where would I spend my silver and my gold? What would I do with my moments and my days?

Here's where it gets even harder, what if I gave him my intellect, my will, my heart, my life, myself . . . would I look like the same Caley if I handed it all over to him?

My prayer is that as this song progresses in its elements of surrender that I, too, can continue to hand myself over to God. The truth of the matter is that God has it already, sometimes I just think I'm the one in control. It amazes me how much everything in my life lately continues to come back to this theme of surrender - God surely knows just what we need.

I can't really figure out how to end this post right now . . . and looking back at it, it's actually a lot of thoughts that are all over the map - so I apologize for my ramblings - however, I believe blogging clears the mind and cleanses the soul!

So I will leave you with the additional chorus that we sang with this song on Sunday night
as a prayer for all of us as we continue to surrender to Him.

Here am I
All of me
Take my life
It's all for Thee

Crazy Eights

I took the liberty of stealing this post (since it's been over a month since I last posted!) from Lucy's Life

8 Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1) My mom's birthday weekend

2) Summer time weather - flip flops, capris :)

3) Putting in a patio and garden in my backyard

4) Spending time with friends this weekend

5) Road tripping with my bestie this summer

6) Starting Season 2 of LOST

7) Camp Omagh Teen Week!

8) Beamsville Pizza Company Pizza and Wings . . . I don't know when I'll have some again - but I always look forward to it!

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1) Hit snooze 4 times

2) Went to my job that I love

3) Ate lunch with my work girls in the sunshine!

4) Listened to the new Rascal Flatts CD with my sunroof open on my drive home :)

5) Went for a walk in the 31 degree celsius weather with my dear JZ

6) Participated in a manuscript Bible study with T.R.U.T.H at my house

7) Watched a few episodes of Friends Season 5

8) Went to sleep

8 Things I Wish I Could Do:

1) See my best friends and sisters more often

2) Pay off my OSAP sooner :)

3) Take a vacation for free!

4) Have a 5 day weekend and a 2 day work week

5) Spend more time with my mom and dad

6) Purchase new home decor for my bedroom

7) Buy a house . . . someday

8) Host dinner parties in my home every weekend!

8 Shows I Watch (Confession: I don't actually watch TV - just TV on DVD most of the time!):

1) Friends

2) How I Met Your Mother

3) The Office

4) Lost

5) Grey's Anatomy

6) Jon & Kate Plus Eight

7) What Not to Wear

8) Brothers & Sisters

I'll post for real soon!

One Thing

"Martha, Martha . . . you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42

I used to struggle A LOT with the story of Mary and Martha and their visit with Jesus. To be honest, I still struggle a little with it . . . you see, I am a Martha. To my very core, I am Martha, worried and upset about many things, so often missing the one thing.

About a year ago I bought a book for my mother only to find that she already had a copy and so I kept it . . . and finally started to read it this week. "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver has sat on my bookshelf for a year. I've actually picked it up a few times and put it in my "next book I will read" pile. But it has always made it's way back to the shelf. I know that I wouldn't have been ready for it as I am now, not that I am completely prepared to embrace all that I believe it will have to say, but God has been leading me down a path of quietness, stillness, trust and surrender in the last few months. Well, truly, He's been leading me down this path my whole life, but I am starting to grasp it a little more in the last few months and I believe I am ready to confront the "Martha within."

Now by no means is this next part meant as a bragging point, however a number of my friends have recently pointed out what "a terrific host" I am, due to my ability to keep their bellies full mostly, I think! And I must say, this has been something I have worked hard at, I want people to feel comfortable, accepted and looked after when they are in my home and I have been so happy to have my own place just so that I can open it up to friends and family. I have always wanted to have a home that is brimming with people and it is such a blessing to have good friends close-by and that I am able to spend time with them in my home as we eat, talk and laugh together. The difficulty has come when I become consumed with the "looking after" and overlook the "listening to" or "being with". You see, to me, true hospitality has to have both but I often will find myself Martha-ing more than Mary-ing with my friends and family when they are in my home.

This had lead me to thinking about my hospitality towards Christ - which is kind of a weird concept - but go with me on it . . .

You see, I spend a lot of my time with God being Martha rather than Mary. I do for God (as if he needed me to do anything for Him!) and don't spend a lot of time being with, listening to or more appropriately, being like Mary and sitting at His feet. The book talks about having a Living Room Intimacy with Jesus as Mary did and reminds me that this cannot come out of the Busyness of Martha's Kitchen. I have so much to learn from Mary. I need to learn about the better part, the one thing.

"Jesus invites us to come and rest, to spend time with him in this incredible Living Room Intimacy. Intimacy that allows us to be honest in our complaints, bold in our approach, and lavish in our love. Intimacy that allows us to hear our Father's voice and discern our Father's will. Intimacy that so fills us with his love and his nature that it spills out to our dry, thirsty world in Kitchen Service.

In the Living Room.
That's where it all begins.
Down at his feet." - Joanna Weaver

These statements stir an excitement in me. That I could experience that type of intimacy with Jesus, one that's only natural outpouring comes out in service to our "dry, thirsty world" - that, to me, is Living in the Overflow.

As I mediate on the one thing, I will slow myself, I will sit at His feet and I will soak up love that he pours out as I enter a place of intimacy with Him. I will allow my service to be that that is in response to an intimacy with my Saviour.

My prayer is that I can develop this same Living Room Intimacy with those close to me, that my hospitality is not just that of a Busyness of Martha's Kitchen, but that I can also sit at the feet of my friends and truly listen and pour out to them as well and that together, we can focus on the one thing, Jesus.

While I'm Waiting . . .

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord


While watching the incredible movie, Fireproof, today, this song struck a chord with me (and by that I mean, had me sobbing uncontrollably . . .). The movie itself was quite emotional, but this song hit me for a different reason. For the last few years I have been waiting. When I first finished university and moved to Beamsville to start a new job at Great Lakes, my waiting was filled with impatience, desparation, anxiety, I was waiting for "life to start". For those of you who are close to me, you know what I'm talking about and you saw me through those years. For the last year or so, I would like to believe that my waiting has begun to look more like the waiting described in the song above by John Waller. Sure, at times, I am still anxious, impatient and sometimes the desparation even creeps back in. But as I have begun to immerse myself in Him and His word, I have learned this:

“Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.” Psalm 27:14

“Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him . . .” Psalm 37:7

“I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.” Psalm 38:15

“I will wait for the LORD, who is hiding his face from the house of Jacob. I will put my trust in him.” Isaiah 8:17

As I live in His grace and the overflow of His love, I have learned this:

There are times that I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for, but I have learned that while I wait, I can still live for Him. Trusting in Him that whatever His plans are that he knows the desires of my heart and when I learn to delight in Him and commit my life and surrender to Him (Psalm 37) that He will mold my heart to beat as His does, to love the way He does.